Denial?

I know it was Kubler-Ross who came up with the sequence of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance for times of stress. I recognise the pattern, but have always prefered the simplicity of SARA - Shock - Anger - Resistance - Acceptance. Whichever, I have to admit to being in some sort of strange "Suspended Animation" mode as I am unable to make any effort to do anything constructive mentally. No thinking, painting or meditating - just self-occupation with trivia in the garden, around the house or in communicating rubbish with friends, putting on weight due to vast over-consumption of booze and chocolate whilst watching crappy american tv crime series (and I guess a lot of us are in that boat)

Of course, no one wants to accept the reality of the current pandemic situation, no one wants to talk about it in any meaningful way, and the "british" thing to do is to make dark jokes about it.

What I can´t understand is why I can´t get into meditation / deep thinking mode. I just cant´t "switch on" at all - which is not like me - thus possibly Shock, but more likely Denial.

I am not frightened of dying - not happy about any associated pain or discomfort . but not worried about dying. At my age, it is the next "stage" anyway.

I am slightly concerned about the way in which all my background wishes are / have come to fruition. Trivial pet hates such as airbnb, mass tourism and pollution have changed Spain beyond recognition: potential concerns such as health issues, cats, friends are mainly resolved - and at the highest level, the world is shaking off humanity like the infestation it has proved to be - everything is just slotting into place.

It really is a bit "fin de siecle", but without the opening of any new era.

Far too many times in my life, things have happened as I wanted them to - and every time I have wondered whether I am influencing my own reality - and always thought, "no, that is just not possible...but certainly weird... and maybe..."

Well, with my "discovery" of advaita vedanta, I can now claim that it is all my own reality. No one else is involved. No one else has any control. It is just consciousness, with me as the observer.

Somehow I have to get into a zone where I can get closer to the core of this reality. I realise the phase I am actually in - it is Acceptance ............. but what I really want is Awareness.

....and I can guess you are thinking that I am losing it - but I am not delusional or in any way psychotic, just someone trying to work out what is happening in his reality (and if you think about it, all you have is your own reality too)